Peru, Indiana renames Steep Driveway Machu Picchu

(Concocted News) Peru, Indiana--Peru Indiana officials saying they have embarked on a plan to attract more tourists to the Northern Indiana town by naming a steep driveway in the town, Machu Picchu.

Hank Jones, who owns the property on which the driveway is located, was surprised by the move. "Apparently my driveway is now like an ancient, sacred Incan site," he said.  "I guess I should move the Silverado to the back of house."

Peru tourism officials hope the move to name the drive Machu Picchu will momentarily confuse people unfamiliar with South America or Incans.  Stew Jenkins, who heads the tourism board explained, "We even bought a llama to add to the effect.  We expect if all goes as planned, that our Machu Picchu could draw up to 17 people a year."

Although that doesn't sound impressive, it should be noted that the real Machu Pichu located in the country of Peru attracts only 24 visitors per year.

Dog travels 3000 miles to find owner and beg for table scraps.

(Concocted News) Los Angeles--Benny, a 3-year old mixed breed dog has found his way back home just in time to beg for table scraps from his owners.  Benny, who belongs to Ted and Betty Carter, ended up on the wrong airplane during a recent location by the family and apparently escaped from his crate while in the luggage holding facility at the Newark, New Jersey airport.

"We didn't think we'd see old Benny again," said Ted Carter, the father of three. "It's been almost 4 months since he was lost."

Ted's wife, Betty Carter added, "It's been kind of gross because we've just been throwing the scraps under the table since Benny has been missing."

Although he lost 19 pounds, Benny appeared to be in good health after his 3000 mile cross country journey.  The Carter family said one thing has changed in their relationship with Benny.

"He used to beg for the scraps," said Ted, "But now we're the ones begging him to forgive us for putting him on a United Airlines flight.  We actually deserve to be bitten for that."

Man who gave backhanded compliment to MMA fighter hospitalized

(Concocted News) Chicago--Frank Lewis, 34, gave a backhanded compliment to an MMA fighter late yesterday and got a concussion and three broken ribs in return.

"I'm not sure what happened," said Lewis, "I just said, 'Hey nice shorts', and the next thing I know I was on the ground."

This is the second concussion suffered by Lewis in recent years.  Lewis was knocked out by a Golden Gloves Middleweight boxer while working at Costo four years ago.

"I was giving away some free samples of punch and I asked this dude if he would like a little punch.  The next I knew I was on the ground.,"

Man shuts down Texas Roadkill House Restaurant, admits it was bad idea

Houston, Texas (Concocted News)--Herman Johnson says he has shuttered the doors on his restaurant, Texas Roadkill House,  because the business never took off like he imagined.

"I'm a little flabbergasted," said Johnson surveying his menu which included such entrees as Squirrel in a Tire Sauce and Armadillo con Gravel.   "I guess I just misunderestimated the taste buds, smarts, and good sense of Americans," said Johnson.

The restaurant opened 3 months ago to fanfare and great hope, but only seven customers actually ate at the restaurant with six of those being an inbred family from Southern Arkansas.

"They got it.  They understood what a delicacy Raccoon Suateed in Leaked Motor Oil really is," added Johnson as he forlornly removed the last fox skin table cloth from the dining room.

Man gets virtual paper cut while reading an e-book.

Los Angeles (Concocted News)--Ed Fletcher, 37, of Los Angeles filed a lawsuit today claiming he suffered a virtual paper cut while reading an e-book.  Fletcher claims the virtual paper cut eventually became virtually infected and caused him to spend three days on Web MD confirming his diagnosis. He further claims the virtual paper cut prevented him from texting for more than two hours which caused his friends to panic and assume the worst.  "I need to be in constant touch with people," said Fletcher, "They and I both know that if I don't text every 15 minutes or so then I'm probably dead."

Fletcher is seeking $300,000 in damages from the tablet manufacturer and the publisher of the e-book.  He said he is willing to accept payment in the form of game tokens or iTunes credit.

Alien civilizations reveal that Earth is considered the Alabama of planets

Earth (Concocted News)--Two Alien civilizations made their first formal visit to Earth today and confirmed the worst fears of mankind; that Earth is considered the Alabama of all inhabited planets.

"We pretty much tell Earth jokes all of the time," said Zenar who hails from a planet 2,000 light years from Earth.  "You know,  we tell jokes about marrying your cousin....Deliverance jokes, things like that.  We do it primarily because we consider you hicks," said Zenar.

Another Alien, Ramsnixlian from the Planet Sixtar said Earth is the second dumbest planet in the Cosmos behind only a planet orbiting Alpha Centauri that's considered the Arkansas of planets.

The Aliens picked up a six pack of Mountain Dew and three tins of Skoal as souvenirs as they prepared to return to their planets.

"You probably won't hear from us again unless our worlds suffer from an unexpected shortage of sleeveless t-shirts or pink lipstick," said Zenar in a parting shot.

God issues Afterlife Suspension for A-Rod

New York (Concocted News)--Fed up with cheating in baseball, God today said that he has issued an Afterlife Suspension from baseball for A-Rod.

"Look, I'm not sure what Major League Baseball is going to do, but I wanted to send a clear message.  If you want to play for Heaven's team, you have to play clean."

A-Rod had been expected to start for Heaven after he passed away, most likely hitting second in front of  DiMaggio and Ruth.

"We need a third basemen," said Casey Stengel, Heaven's manager.  "But we can't tolerate these idiots taking performance enhancing drugs.  It was bad enough with Babe Ruth.  He was dead three years before we finally got him to stop drinking."

When asked what Heaven would do now for a third basemen, God smiled and said, "Brooks Robinson is 76.  So, we may have the position filled very soon."

Ron Paul admits Rand Paul better fit for Tea Party than older son RuPaul

(Concocted News) Washington D.C.--Ron Paul admitted today that his younger son, Rand, is much better fit for the Tea Party than his older son RuPaul.

"Ru just isn't what the Tea Party is looking for.  Sure, we like stubborn individualists who won't be swayed by convention or classic role models, but generally, we like the guys to dress like guys."

Insurance instructor out drones drone

Noblesville, IN (Concocted News)--Insurance instructor, Randy Montgomery, proved that he is indeed capable of out droning even the most advanced drone in the world when he spent 3 hours talking about Insurance Law earlier this week.

"This drone thing is not new," said Montgomery, "I've been droning on about Insurance for 20 years."

Unlike flying drones, which can kill, Montgomery's droning usually only results in a few people falling asleep.

Montgomery prides himself on keeping his style of droning "insurance specific".  He has, thus far, steadfastly refused to use his ability to drone to attack enclaves of suspected terrorists or to surreptitiously spy on American citizens.

Comedian Randy Montgomery to finally headline his family room

(Concocted News) Noblesville, IN, Aug 2--After 29 years struggling to move up the ladder of stand-up comedy, comedian Randy Montgomery has announced he will finally be headlining his own family room.

"It's kind of a dream fulfilled," said Montgomery.  "All of those years of featuring in the Dining Room and even Emceeing in the Kitchen have culminated in this."

Montgomery is known to write material that only his wife thinks is funny, so it's appropriate that she's the only one expected to attend.  Montgomery said he had to submit a recent video and a bio to his wife to land the gig.

His wife, Maria, says she's already made a reservation for the recliner, adding, "Just to make sure I laugh, I have instituted a 7 drink minimum."

Anthony Weiner inadvertently tweets picture of his package

Aug 1, 2013 New York (Concocted News)--Beleagured New York Mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner admitted today that he inadvertently sent a picture of his package via Twitter to 200,000 supporters.  Weiner's package, seen here, was to be delivered to his wife, Huma Abedin, as a way to apologize for being a "creepy perv."  Weiner now feels the surprise has been ruined, but he's not discouraged.  "I always find new ways to surprise her," he said.  

Man gets one millionth unsolicited credit card offer

(Concocted News)--Aug 1, 2012 --Sheridan resident, Hank Brownstone,  74, reported he received his one millionth unsolicited credit card offer in the mail today and once again shredded the information.

"If you ask me, I think the shredding machine manufacturers are owned by banks," said Brownstone.  "I'm on my ninth shredder in the last four years."

Brownstone who has received 350,000 offers from Chase, 245,000 offers from Citibank, 230,000 offers from Capital One,  174,999 offers from Bank America, and one mysterious offer from the First Bank of Dave, said he is fed up with the constant offers.  "If I could afford to move, I would," said Brownstone, "But with 2.7 million dollars of credit card debt it makes it unlikely I could get a mortgage loan."

Brownstone, who is on a fixed income, says he counting on cashing in his change at the local Coinstar machine as one possible method he could use to pay off his massive debt.