Hookers for Wives Program somewhat like Cash for Clunkers Program

Washington (Concocted News)--In what is sure to be a controversial new program, some members of congress are reportedly working on a Hookers for Wives program loosely modeled on the Cash for Clunkers program that rewards those who trade in old, inefficient model cars for newer more environmentally friendly cars.  An anonymous source said, “You know it occurred to us we could spur the growth of the economy if we allowed guys to trade in their old, tired wife and get $4500 to use toward a young, hot hooker.”

The program has a few flaws, most notably what to do with the wives that are traded in.  “We can’t very well put them in one of those crushing machines like we do the old clunkers,” said the source.  “That would probably cost us some votes.”  

If the Hookers for Wives programs is accepted by the American public, several congresswomen have fashioned a program called Pool Boys for Beer Guts that could be the next innovative trade-in program sponsored by the government.

New Proof! Michael Jackson never landed on the moon

Los Angeles (Concocted News)--Conspiratorial investigators who have questioned whether or not man landed on the moon and who haven’t been able to prove that Michael Jackson was murdered reached a compromise position yesterday in which they say that they can conclusively prove that Michael Jackson never landed on the moon.

Alan Smackness, the head of People with Way, Way, Too Much Time on their Hands, says his group has proof positive that Jackson never walked on the moon.  “All that moon walking he did in his videos lead many to believe he actually walked on the moon, but now we know that’s not true,” said Smackness.  The group interviewed thousands of people and looked at video of both the first moon landing and “Thriller” before releasing their findings.

Smackness said his group's interest in the possibility was initially prompted by the fact that Jackson often slept in an oxygen chamber.  “We thought maybe he acquired that from NASA but it turns out he got it from some old medical supply place.”

The group concluded that Jackson was not on the lunar module that landed on the moon in 1969 because he was on tour with the Jackson 5  in July of 1969.  “As far as we can tell, Michael Jackson was in Amarillo, Texas performing and not on the moon on July 20, 1969,” said Smackness.  “Plus, we don’t think NASA has a space suit that would fit an eleven-year old.”

Most doctors unsure of when to use a colonoscopy and when to use a semicolonoscopy

Washington (Concocted News)--Seventy-two percent of doctors queried in a new survey admitted they are often unsure when to use a colonoscopy and when to use a semicolonoscopy as a diagnostic tool.  The doctors say they can’t remember which procedure is used preceding a complex list of other ailments and which is used to separate two complete ideas.

The grammar/medical procedure confusion is not restricted to intrusive anal procedures.  Sixty-four percent of doctors say that they thought when people are sleeping and can’t wake up that they’re in a comma.

Man with paddle suddenly can’t find Shit Creek

Denver (Concocted News)--A man who previously had been up a Shit Creek without a paddle has now acquired a paddle and ironically can’t seem to locate a Shit Creek.  Jerimiah Renfro says he jumped out of a canoe on Shit Creek a week ago and finally was able to make his way to outdoor supply store where he purchased the paddle.  “Now, I got me a paddle but the creek is eluding me,” says Renfro.

Renfro plans to look for the creek for another three days.  If he still can’t find it he will return the paddle and use the money to buy a GPS.

Birthers now claim Obama not born on Earth

Back Hills, Alabama (Concocted News)--Members of a group who call themselves “birthers” because they steadfastly maintain President Barrack Obama was not born in the U.S. have upped the ante and now allege that he was not born on earth.  “Previously, we thought he was born in some other country where English ain’t the first language, but now we think he was born on some other planet,” explained J. Wiley Wickham, head of a coalition of right-wing pundits, conspiracy theorists, and untreated schizophrenics.  “He just don’t seem earthy to us.”

Obama’s Hawaiian birth certificate has been made part of the public record but reading does not seem to be the forte of this particular group.  “I don’t believe some trumped-up document when I got my own eyes and ears and brain,” said Wickham.  Wickham said his group is not prepared to name the planet where they believe Obama was born but they don’t think it was Mercury or Saturn because those are the names of American made cars.

“I’m sure it’s some Muslim sounding named planet where he’s from,” said Wickham.  “Something like Neptuneasia or whatnot.”