Disney World adds new “Rock Star Land” wing

By Jenny Montgomery

Orlando (Concocted News)--Struggling with lagging ticket sales, Disney World has added  a new wing to its theme park designed to attract more visitors. The new “Rock Star Land” features 13 rides, including the long-awaited Face of Keith Richards Water Ride.

“We think the Keith Richards ride is really going to wow visitors,” park operator Dana Jones said. “Riders climb into little boats shaped like cigarette butts and float through the crags of an oversized Keith Richards face.  The nose tunnel is really something to behold. It’s scary, but fun.”

Visitors can also ride the new state-of-the-art BritneyCoaster, which jettisons riders from zero to 75 mph in under one second up a 200-foot hill, then drops at a breathtaking 85-degree angle and abruptly loses power. The ride eventually resumes, and passengers travel slowly up a small hill to the end of the ride, where people politely clap for their arrival.

Study finds serial killers experience same ennui as office workers

By Jenny Montgomery

BALTIMORE, MD. (Concocted News)   – A team of researchers at Johns Hopkins University has found that serial killers struggle with the same type of “burnout” and boredom that many office workers experience.

The study, published in the latest issue of Intriguing-Yet-Troubling  Quarterly, reveals that more than half of all serial killers eventually lose interest in their “work.”

Jim H. – who wishes to remain anonymous because he is a serial killer – told researchers about his frustration.

“I remember a time when I could just stab people all day long and never get tired of it,” he said. “Now, I feel like I’m just going through the motions.”

Much like a non-murderous, 9-to-5 office worker, serial killers often feel unfulfilled. Bill R. – who wishes to remain anonymous because he is a serial killer – talked about his disappointment.

“When I first started strangling folks years and years ago, it seemed like something that could really lead to great things,” he said. “But here I am, 20 years later, still strangling the same type of people in the same rundown neighborhoods.”

Leona Marshall, who led the study for Johns Hopkins, said the conclusions lead her to believe there’s not much difference between a serial killer and an administrative assistant.

“They have the same problems and face the same challenges that we all face,” Marshall said. “Sure, they kill people, but a lot of times, they don’t really enjoy it.”

Dog saves family from burning home yet again

By Jenny Montgomery

Strawville, Ind. (Concocted News)  – A dog saved a family of six from a roaring house fire, making him the first dog ever to rescue his own family from a burning house on three separate occasions.

The five-year-old Bordie Collie mix, Rufus, awoke the family shortly after midnight on Tuesday.

“Rufus comes into my room, and he’s all, ‘Bark, bark, bark!’,” said mother of four, Tonyalee Scruggs. “At first, I was like, ‘Shut up, dog!,’ but then I realized I smelled smoke.”

Scruggs jumped out of bed and ran to the room where her four children were sleeping. “I bursted in there and started hollering at them kids to get up and get out of the house.”

Scruggs’ oldest daughter, 17-year-old Madonna Jones, recalled the panic in her mother’s voice.

“Tonyalee came in our room, flapping her arms like a goddamned goose,” Jones said. “Whenever that happens, you know her boyfriend went and set the house on fire again.”

Lyle Purliss, Scruggs’ boyfriend and father to her two youngest children, had fallen asleep on the couch while smoking, starting the blaze.

“Sometimes, I get to watching TV for so long, I just get all tired and fall asleep,” Purliss said while lighting a cigarette. “I should have learned from them last two times I was watching TV and fell asleep and set the house on fire.”

The family had recently moved into the two-bedroom home after their previous home – and before that, apartment – had burned to the ground due to Purliss’ errant cigarette embers.

“Words cannot comprehend how mad I am at Lyle,” Scruggs said. “If it wasn’t for Rufus, we might all be dead, or burned to a crisp, or worse.”

When asked if he intended to stop smoking, Purliss said, “I don’t think my smoking is the real issue here. It’s more a issue of there needs to be more entertaining TV on late at night so it keeps me interested and I don’t fall asleep.”

Man Counts Blessings--Comes Up with Negative Number

Idaho (Concocted News)--Advised by those around him to “count his blessings” 47-year-old Nate Dickson did so yesterday and unexpectedly came up with a negative number.

“I was shocked,” said Dickson.  “I kind of had ball parked the number of blessings I had and I figured in would be in the neighborhood of 23, so when I came up with minus 4, I was dumbfounded.”

Dickson was divorced earlier this year in what was the first of a series of unfortunate events.  He also wrecked his car, was laid off from his job, accidentally burned down his house, got another job and was fired, lost two of his four limbs in a freak screwdriver accident, and killed most of his grass by cutting it too short during the recent drought.  

On the plus side, he backed over his cat.  “That was a blessing,” said Dickson.  “I couldn’t afford litter and carting buckets of sand from the sandbox at the park was pretty darn hard on my back.”