Hookers for Wives Program somewhat like Cash for Clunkers Program

Washington (Concocted News)--In what is sure to be a controversial new program, some members of congress are reportedly working on a Hookers for Wives program loosely modeled on the Cash for Clunkers program that rewards those who trade in old, inefficient model cars for newer more environmentally friendly cars.  An anonymous source said, “You know it occurred to us we could spur the growth of the economy if we allowed guys to trade in their old, tired wife and get $4500 to use toward a young, hot hooker.”

The program has a few flaws, most notably what to do with the wives that are traded in.  “We can’t very well put them in one of those crushing machines like we do the old clunkers,” said the source.  “That would probably cost us some votes.”  

If the Hookers for Wives programs is accepted by the American public, several congresswomen have fashioned a program called Pool Boys for Beer Guts that could be the next innovative trade-in program sponsored by the government.

New Proof! Michael Jackson never landed on the moon

Los Angeles (Concocted News)--Conspiratorial investigators who have questioned whether or not man landed on the moon and who haven’t been able to prove that Michael Jackson was murdered reached a compromise position yesterday in which they say that they can conclusively prove that Michael Jackson never landed on the moon.

Alan Smackness, the head of People with Way, Way, Too Much Time on their Hands, says his group has proof positive that Jackson never walked on the moon.  “All that moon walking he did in his videos lead many to believe he actually walked on the moon, but now we know that’s not true,” said Smackness.  The group interviewed thousands of people and looked at video of both the first moon landing and “Thriller” before releasing their findings.

Smackness said his group's interest in the possibility was initially prompted by the fact that Jackson often slept in an oxygen chamber.  “We thought maybe he acquired that from NASA but it turns out he got it from some old medical supply place.”

The group concluded that Jackson was not on the lunar module that landed on the moon in 1969 because he was on tour with the Jackson 5  in July of 1969.  “As far as we can tell, Michael Jackson was in Amarillo, Texas performing and not on the moon on July 20, 1969,” said Smackness.  “Plus, we don’t think NASA has a space suit that would fit an eleven-year old.”

Most doctors unsure of when to use a colonoscopy and when to use a semicolonoscopy

Washington (Concocted News)--Seventy-two percent of doctors queried in a new survey admitted they are often unsure when to use a colonoscopy and when to use a semicolonoscopy as a diagnostic tool.  The doctors say they can’t remember which procedure is used preceding a complex list of other ailments and which is used to separate two complete ideas.

The grammar/medical procedure confusion is not restricted to intrusive anal procedures.  Sixty-four percent of doctors say that they thought when people are sleeping and can’t wake up that they’re in a comma.

Man with paddle suddenly can’t find Shit Creek

Denver (Concocted News)--A man who previously had been up a Shit Creek without a paddle has now acquired a paddle and ironically can’t seem to locate a Shit Creek.  Jerimiah Renfro says he jumped out of a canoe on Shit Creek a week ago and finally was able to make his way to outdoor supply store where he purchased the paddle.  “Now, I got me a paddle but the creek is eluding me,” says Renfro.

Renfro plans to look for the creek for another three days.  If he still can’t find it he will return the paddle and use the money to buy a GPS.

Birthers now claim Obama not born on Earth

Back Hills, Alabama (Concocted News)--Members of a group who call themselves “birthers” because they steadfastly maintain President Barrack Obama was not born in the U.S. have upped the ante and now allege that he was not born on earth.  “Previously, we thought he was born in some other country where English ain’t the first language, but now we think he was born on some other planet,” explained J. Wiley Wickham, head of a coalition of right-wing pundits, conspiracy theorists, and untreated schizophrenics.  “He just don’t seem earthy to us.”

Obama’s Hawaiian birth certificate has been made part of the public record but reading does not seem to be the forte of this particular group.  “I don’t believe some trumped-up document when I got my own eyes and ears and brain,” said Wickham.  Wickham said his group is not prepared to name the planet where they believe Obama was born but they don’t think it was Mercury or Saturn because those are the names of American made cars.

“I’m sure it’s some Muslim sounding named planet where he’s from,” said Wickham.  “Something like Neptuneasia or whatnot.”

Scientist killed by cloned tiger is cloned and kills tiger

Miami (Concocted News)--A scientist, Rudy Marks, killed by a cloned tiger early last year has himself been cloned and killed the original tiger.  Marks who describes himself as, “A guy that’s usually pretty gentle,” bludgeoned the tiger with lab equipment used in the cloning.  

“You kill me, I kill you, that’s the rule of the jungle and of genetic researchers,” explained Marks.  

Sociologist says all people who stereotype others are “stupid idiots”

Champaign, ILL (Concocted News)--Sociologist and University of Illinois professor, Dr. Frank Strand, says his research indicates that all people who stereotype others are “stupid idiots.”  Dr. Strand announced his findings at a press conference yesterday.  “We found that 100 percent of people who label other people are stupid idiots and sub-morons,” said Dr. Strand.   Dr. Strand admitted his research was based on interviews with only six people but he was able to extrapolate the data to apply to everyone who stereotypes another person.

The new study was Dr. Strand’s second important piece of research released during the past year.  In late 2008, Dr. Strand concluded that anorexic people are much less likely to talk with their mouth full than people who do not have an eating disorder.

New multination cooperative establishes nation of Jerkistan for region troublemakers

By Jenny Montgomery

CAPITAL CITY, JERKISTAN(Concocted News)  – Weary from constant car bombings, sniper attacks and other random acts of violence, countries from the Middle East to Asia have established the nation of Jerkistan, where area nogoodniks will be free to do whatever the hell they want.

Ameer Jamal – the Iraqi college student who came up with the idea for Jerkistan – said it was a recent attempt to go out of town for spring break that prompted him to take action about the ongoing car bombings in his country.

"Me and some friends were gonna rent a car and go to the gulf for spring break," Jamal said. "But have you tried renting a car in Iraq? Yeah, didn’t think so. There aren’t any left!"

Jamal said he was tired of terrorists and snipers ruining the world opinion of his country – and of other countries in the Eastern Hemisphere. Through the social networking site Twitter, Jamal garnered support for his idea to use sand and chunks of rock from multiple countries to build the island nation of Jerkistan in the Arabian Sea.

Jamal’s girlfriend, Anisa Hammad, recalled the overwhelming reaction to Jamal’s tweet about his idea.

"Suddenly, we had people from, like, all over, tweeting about sending us sand and stuff for the project," she said. "I totally could not believe that Afghanistan was saying they’d lop off some of their mountaintops if it’d help build a new barren-piece-of-crap island where jerks would have to live."

Officials in the country of Pakistan said they had already loaded a planeload of wife-abusing snipers to be sent to the island, where they will live alongside other lowlifes that have been evicted from their home countries.

"They had their chance to be cool, but they just couldn’t get with the program," Jamal said.

Disney World adds new “Rock Star Land” wing

By Jenny Montgomery

Orlando (Concocted News)--Struggling with lagging ticket sales, Disney World has added  a new wing to its theme park designed to attract more visitors. The new “Rock Star Land” features 13 rides, including the long-awaited Face of Keith Richards Water Ride.

“We think the Keith Richards ride is really going to wow visitors,” park operator Dana Jones said. “Riders climb into little boats shaped like cigarette butts and float through the crags of an oversized Keith Richards face.  The nose tunnel is really something to behold. It’s scary, but fun.”

Visitors can also ride the new state-of-the-art BritneyCoaster, which jettisons riders from zero to 75 mph in under one second up a 200-foot hill, then drops at a breathtaking 85-degree angle and abruptly loses power. The ride eventually resumes, and passengers travel slowly up a small hill to the end of the ride, where people politely clap for their arrival.

Study finds serial killers experience same ennui as office workers

By Jenny Montgomery

BALTIMORE, MD. (Concocted News)   – A team of researchers at Johns Hopkins University has found that serial killers struggle with the same type of “burnout” and boredom that many office workers experience.

The study, published in the latest issue of Intriguing-Yet-Troubling  Quarterly, reveals that more than half of all serial killers eventually lose interest in their “work.”

Jim H. – who wishes to remain anonymous because he is a serial killer – told researchers about his frustration.

“I remember a time when I could just stab people all day long and never get tired of it,” he said. “Now, I feel like I’m just going through the motions.”

Much like a non-murderous, 9-to-5 office worker, serial killers often feel unfulfilled. Bill R. – who wishes to remain anonymous because he is a serial killer – talked about his disappointment.

“When I first started strangling folks years and years ago, it seemed like something that could really lead to great things,” he said. “But here I am, 20 years later, still strangling the same type of people in the same rundown neighborhoods.”

Leona Marshall, who led the study for Johns Hopkins, said the conclusions lead her to believe there’s not much difference between a serial killer and an administrative assistant.

“They have the same problems and face the same challenges that we all face,” Marshall said. “Sure, they kill people, but a lot of times, they don’t really enjoy it.”

Dog saves family from burning home yet again

By Jenny Montgomery

Strawville, Ind. (Concocted News)  – A dog saved a family of six from a roaring house fire, making him the first dog ever to rescue his own family from a burning house on three separate occasions.

The five-year-old Bordie Collie mix, Rufus, awoke the family shortly after midnight on Tuesday.

“Rufus comes into my room, and he’s all, ‘Bark, bark, bark!’,” said mother of four, Tonyalee Scruggs. “At first, I was like, ‘Shut up, dog!,’ but then I realized I smelled smoke.”

Scruggs jumped out of bed and ran to the room where her four children were sleeping. “I bursted in there and started hollering at them kids to get up and get out of the house.”

Scruggs’ oldest daughter, 17-year-old Madonna Jones, recalled the panic in her mother’s voice.

“Tonyalee came in our room, flapping her arms like a goddamned goose,” Jones said. “Whenever that happens, you know her boyfriend went and set the house on fire again.”

Lyle Purliss, Scruggs’ boyfriend and father to her two youngest children, had fallen asleep on the couch while smoking, starting the blaze.

“Sometimes, I get to watching TV for so long, I just get all tired and fall asleep,” Purliss said while lighting a cigarette. “I should have learned from them last two times I was watching TV and fell asleep and set the house on fire.”

The family had recently moved into the two-bedroom home after their previous home – and before that, apartment – had burned to the ground due to Purliss’ errant cigarette embers.

“Words cannot comprehend how mad I am at Lyle,” Scruggs said. “If it wasn’t for Rufus, we might all be dead, or burned to a crisp, or worse.”

When asked if he intended to stop smoking, Purliss said, “I don’t think my smoking is the real issue here. It’s more a issue of there needs to be more entertaining TV on late at night so it keeps me interested and I don’t fall asleep.”

Man Counts Blessings--Comes Up with Negative Number

Idaho (Concocted News)--Advised by those around him to “count his blessings” 47-year-old Nate Dickson did so yesterday and unexpectedly came up with a negative number.

“I was shocked,” said Dickson.  “I kind of had ball parked the number of blessings I had and I figured in would be in the neighborhood of 23, so when I came up with minus 4, I was dumbfounded.”

Dickson was divorced earlier this year in what was the first of a series of unfortunate events.  He also wrecked his car, was laid off from his job, accidentally burned down his house, got another job and was fired, lost two of his four limbs in a freak screwdriver accident, and killed most of his grass by cutting it too short during the recent drought.  

On the plus side, he backed over his cat.  “That was a blessing,” said Dickson.  “I couldn’t afford litter and carting buckets of sand from the sandbox at the park was pretty darn hard on my back.”

Violent Disagreement Over Messy Bathroom Leads to Even Messier Bathroom

California (Concocted News)--A heated argument over the cleanliness of a husband’s bathroom turned deadly over the weekend resulting in both the shooting death of 34-year-old Gloria Gravitz and a messier bathroom.   Mark Gravitz, 41, the deceased’s husband, who was charged with the murder, says the disagreement began early Saturday afternoon when his wife began complaining about the condition of his bathroom.

“She was all up in my face about it,” says Mark Gravitz.  “She hated mold like most people hate legislation that attempts to curtail certain greenhouse emissions when there aren’t sufficient funds to enforce it.  You know what I mean?”  

Gravitiz said the argument continued throughout the evening and concluded about the time they finished their second bottle of Bourbon.  That’s when the couple went into his bathroom one last time.

“Like everybody else I have a breaking point and like everybody else that’s when I start shooting,” explained Gravitz.  

Gloria Gravitz died in the bathroom as a result of a single gunshot wound to the head.    Police say piecing together events wasn’t too difficult because Mark Gravitz failed to clean-up the evidence before they arrived.  

“The bathroom was a mess,” said Detective Lance Livermore.  “There was mold, soap scum, and hard water stains everywhere,” he continued, “Oh, and blood, lots of blood--can’t forget that!”

Man Claims Tissue Box Able to Travel Between Dimensions

Indiana (Concocted News)--A man claimed yesterday that a tissue box in his car is able to travel interdimensionally.  Les Lawson, a 38-year old Indianapolis resident, says he’s convinced the tissue box in his car peridoically travels to another dimension and then returns without notice. 

Lawson made the claim after reaching into the backseat of his car while driving and not feeling the tissue box on the seat where he had placed it earlier in the week.  

“I know that’s where it was,” says Lawson, who claims to have extraordinary recall.  “I’ve been told I have a photogenic memory.” 

 Lawson believes his tissue box is an  intelligence collection system for an advanced alternate universe and therefore disappears unexpectedly as it traverses to an unseen plane of existence with it’s surreptiously collected intelligence.  

“See, my car ain’t that big, and for the tissue box to suddenly not be where I put it and later end up somewhere else in my car.....is just creepy,”  said Lawson.  

When asked if it were possible that the tissue box slid off the seat when he stopped too quickly and that’s why it ended up under another seat or elsewhere in the car, Lawson said that such an explanation seemed “ridiculous.” 

Nebraskan Man Upset Because of Mexicans Stealing his Job of Bitching About Illegal Immigrants

Nebraska (Concocted News)--Scott Johnson, 27, of Taylorsville, Nebraska launched a campaign this week to bar Mexicans from bitching about illegal immigrants claiming that right belongs exclusively to native born Americans.  

“I think it sucks that these Mexicans stand around and complain about Guatamalans taking over this country,” said Johnson.  “Complaining about foreigners stealing our jobs, and using up all of our social services is a right guaranteed to Americans in the Constitution.”  

Johnson may be correct in his assertion.  Professior J. Whitten Smithson, of Northwestern University, says that in fact the Consitituion does contain a little known amendment pertaining to who may and may not whine about poorly educated peasants stealing vegetable picking jobs.  

“The NInth Amedment does address it,” says Smithson.  “Specifically, the Amendment, often called the ‘The Right to Piss and Moan’ Amendment’, he continued, “Says, ‘Only Americans born in this country may file a greivance either written or oral in the halls of government or in a bar, tavern, or at a  drunk-ass backyard barbecue, when the subject of that grievance concerns illegal immigration.’”

Johnson, who at 5-7, towers over his 5-5 South of the Border adversaries, added, “Hey, let them earn their citizenship like I did  by knocking-up their 14-year-old girlfriend and stabbing their abusive step-father.  Then they can start crying big crocodile tears about the El Salvadoreans coming here and taking up all the corn husking jobs.”

Concocted News Hits the Newsstands

A new virtual newspaper called Concocted News has made its way online according to sources at Concocted News.  The newspaper consists entirely of fictitious stories if you can believe the sources cited in this account.  There is really no reason that you should.  

The newspaper full of made-up stories is intended to misinform people so they will have less of an understanding about the world and the events that shape their lives.  

"Knowledge is power," said one reporter at Concocted News, "But stupidness sells."   After it was pointed out to the reporter that Concocted News is free and so there is nothing to sell he said, "Well, freeness sells too."

If you are interested in reading Concocted News, and who wouldn't be after this whiz-bang lead story, you need do nothing more than continue reading.